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24

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74

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00:35:51

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Welcome to the Galactic News Service
Pirates Plunder Imperial Union System
Posted by: Carl Warrington, Eidola Pirates
Date: Year 23 Day 221 From the Skyscraper 100 flats Most Premium 200 Flat Ughnaut Deluxe Favella in Weenertown on Kintan (360, 120).

In news from the Si`Klaata Cluster in Hutt Space, the Eidola News Network has received reports from the Nikto homeworld, Kintan, of widespread social unrest resulting from reports that the Knights of the Fountain leadership has agreed to join the Imperial Union. As the system government for many years, such a move would put the system of Si`Klaata firmly under the fist of Imperial dominion. In consternation, the Nikto people have taken to the streets to protest this unexpected intrusion on the long standing stability of their system, and desperate locals have reached out to their representatives in Hutt Space sector government for assistance: the Eidola Pirates.

It is here that the story becomes somewhat unclear as the inner workings of Eidola are opaque, some have even said disorganized, but what is known is that upon learning of the plight of the Nikto people, Eidola mobilized its pirate lords from across the galaxy in a race against time to ensure the system’s freedom. Rushed planning took place during the days of hyperspace travel that followed, and in an impressive display of coordination, the typically insubordinate and unruly members of Eidola gathered in the Sriluur system, ready to launch a response to the Imperial Union presence in the Si`Klaata Cluster.

Unfortunately, the desperation of the Nikto plea for help was such that the Nikto leadership failed to provide any conditions on exactly how the Eidola Pirates should respond to the threat facing their people. As Carl Warrington and Argon Nightwish have long been sympathetic to the plight of the syphilitic Ugnaught population now living on Drup II, they suggested to Pirate Queen Syn that this situation was a way to kill two mynocks with one stone. As was previously reported on the Galactic News Service [insert title here], the Ugnaughts of Drup still live in abject squalor, suffering from disease as well as the mental anguish that Warlord Squall Chitose inflicted upon them many years ago [citation here]. The pirate plan was to promise to move these Ugnaughts once again upon the condition that they 1) build their own dwellings, and 2) vote for Eidola in the upcoming system-wide election.

At the Pirate Queen’s insistence, these Ugnaughts were not provided medical supplies or any form of treatment, as the rate of syphilis in the population was far too high for the meager coffers of Eidola to fund. Instead, Syn has reportedly been spending exorbitant sums of Eidola’s credits trying to have a sufficiently large litter box invented for a rancor confined on board the slightly dented Mammoth-class Heavy Hauler she was seen inexpertly piloting to haul construction materials on site.

Within only four weeks, Eidola was able to muster over 17 billion Ugnaughts and deliver them to Kintan to begin the construction of their new homes. Tragedy has historically plagued these Ugnaughts due to Warrington’s inability to keep tabs on Squall Chitose’s actions, and sadly, this story is no exception. “Regrettable missteps” were once again made with regard to monitoring Chitose’s whereabouts during the  new construction. As expected, Chitose arrived on Kintan in an advanced state of intoxication to oversee the development of a city in the northeastern mountain range. Upon arriving, his inebriated mind convinced him that he recognized an Ugnaught who was rumored to have cheated on him, and impulsively began arresting and murdering the Ugnaught builders in the city in a lover’s rage. Warrington was heard complaining: “Squall’s actions cost us days in construction! And for what? We all know he can’t tell one Ugnaught from another! There is no way he recognized his long lost ‘Snookums.’”

Carl Warrington Presenting the Demographic Shift of Kintan After the Great Ugnaught Migration

In the meantime, Hawke Tanor demonstrated his combat prowess by somehow murdering nearly all of the planet’s wildlife, devastating Kintan’s local ecosystem and plunging the world into a food shortage, while Euna Miriel was spotted going on wild tauntaun chases to determine whether their hides could be made into suitable sleeping bags. Artemis de Chatillon, ever the entrepreneurial pirate, oversaw the installation of mines to create quality jobs for the planet's unsustainably growing Ugnaught population. Inya D`Azveris, now widely considered one of Eidola’s top construction specialists, in a burst of inspiration engineered an innovative solution to the growing Ugnaught homelessness crisis caused by the slow construction: all new buildings would now be constructed with 4-foot-high ceilings, allowing for twice as many Ugnaughts to occupy each highrise. While these buildings were swiftly deemed structurally unsafe and in violation of nearly all of the local building codes due to Inya’s lack of architecture training, they undeniably achieve their purpose of ameliorating the Ugnaught housing crisis as the population continues to skyrocket.

Artistic Rendering of Eidola's Safe and Careful Construction Process by Magnus Kodd

In spite of the heavy drinking and general disorganization that accompanies any Eidola operation, it appears that as of Year 23 Day 201, the pirates have somehow succeeded in gaining control of the Si`Klaata Cluster. However, much work is still to be done. In a distressing turn of events, it appears that the pirates have shifted their focus to the construction of orbital defense stations rather than creating adequate job opportunities for the Ugnaught immigrants. This has left both the Ugnaught population and the local Nikto government scrambling to rectify the astonishingly low and still plummeting employment rate of 0.38.

An on-site reporter summed up the general opinion of the populace: “Eidola destroyed the local ecosystem, plunged the world into a food shortage, created a housing crisis that was 'resolved' by switching to highly unsafe building practices to overcrowd locals into 4-foot-high rooms, apparently forced immigration, imported an STD epidemic, encouraged probable voting fraud, and is rumored to have forced immigrants to work in unsafe mines... they can't just keep getting away with this!” Only time will tell whether the long suffering Ugnaughts of Sevarcos X will find happiness among the Nikto people on Kintan, but once again, the outlook seems bleak.

Holo-painting provided by Outer Rim regional artist, Magnus Kodd. The artist recently embarked on a multi-sector tour to work on their newest series. Kodd made their start in a residency program on Ord Cantrell after being discovered off the streets of De-Purteen where they were selling caricatures to tourists. Since completing their degree in holo-artistry and desgineering, the artist has created works for many prolific sentients throughout the galaxy.


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