Welcome to TriNebulon News Presents: The Weekly Happenstance Episode 2. I'm Chester Manchin with the happenings of yesterday, for the people of today!

 

NEW REPUBLIC SENATOR'S MENTAL HEALTH CALLED INTO QUESTION! In an attempt to find sympathy in the largely cold and uncaring galaxy, one mister Ghon Webb has made claims this week to be in possession of his daughter, only to have the Galactic Empire reveal the real truth... HE HASN'T ATTEMPTED TO CONTACT HER IN MONTHS!

 

In a beautiful ceremony this month, one miss Kara DeMonte graduated from the Imperial Academy with honors, showing her dedication to making a new life for her and her child. HOWEVER, shortly after this, her ex-husband Ghon Webb sent out a broadcast. In this broadcast, he made claims that he himself had the child and that he was struggling to tell her that, and I quote, "Mommy’s with the bad men now". Sad, right? WRONG! SHORTLY AFTER Kara herself responded to the situation, letting some much-needed light onto the situation.

 

Kara revealed that, in fact, their child was with HER! Not only that the child was with her this entire time, but that Ghon, the "loving and gentle" father, hadn't even attempted to contact the child since Kara's peaceful departure from the New Republic! So one must now question both Ghon's mental health and potentially even his ulterior motives behind the broadcast. Is he legitimately talking to an invisible child that he believes in there? Is he in shock and in need of a break from the Senate? Only time will tell, folks, and you can bet that we'll cover it as soon as a response has been made! On one last note here, who tells their daughter "Mommy's with the bad men now"? If you really do have the child, Ghon, just lie to her like any good parent would do! Say she's dead or something!

 

While we don't particularly condone Kara's actions here at TriNebulon News, nor the situation she has put her once possibly loving husband into, we do wish her the best of luck in her future endeavors. The same goes for husband Ghon. Please seek mental health, my friend. Please!

 

On to you, Kate Farnsworth!

 

 

Thanks, Chet!

 

SITH LORD LEAVES THE ORDER! Just yesterday we heard news of one Dark Lord of the Sith Mikel von Bianchi retiring from his Sithacious ways. We can now confirm that, not only has he left from the Sith Order, but he has taken over CorEx for mister Geoffrey Jackson, the comatose old guy of CorEx fame! While this is great news in our opinion, we do have to question the motivation behind this situation and what rule the Sith Lord might have played in Geoff's downfall and eventual comatose state. Maybe he used the dark side of the force to cause Geoff's body to fail him? Maybe it was some sort of sexual fantasy that both of the men wanted to enjoy together? Or maybe he did absolutely nothing? Only time and a thorough investigation will tell!

 

DROID ABUSE RAMPANT IN PARTS OF THE GALAXY! The Cybot Galactica Droid Arena event ended 2 weeks ago, with 3 individuals in total completing the barbaric event that caused the loss of many droid lives. Amongst those winners were one Seth Haze, a celebrated ender-of-life, capturer-of-individuals and bounty hunter, and one Armus Zod, announced earlier in the event. A third winner, known only by the moniker "The Final Challenger", was also crowned a winner, completing the challenge wearing nothing but a Jingasa and a robe. While little is known about this apparently nonhuman monster that cares for nothing but the destruction of poor innocent little droids just trying to get oil for their families, it is assumed he has a knowledge in the force.

 

This assumption is being made due to both the way he fought and some mannerisms he portrayed during the event. As well, while he had only his mandatory ionization blaster visible, multiple times during combat he could be seen allowing droids to get as close as possible to him and attacking them from under his robe with what appeared to be a glowing device of some sort. Shortly after these attacks, he'd place his droid-slavery-devices onto the droids chests, shutting them down so that he could harvest them and use them for his own nefarious deeds after the event. In total, he captured 39 defenseless droid lives matter protestors at the arena, countless numbers of probably weren't even droids participating in the event. In multiple instances, he could be heard yelling slurs and insults at the droids, the most strange of which being "Come on, you lugnuts!". While we're not sure what exactly this means, we can only assume to droids it is very offensive based off of the reaction of all non-captured droids at that point.

 

While lightsabers were on the "do not use" list of weapons, it's assumed that staffers at the event didn't question him on it for fear that he might slaughter their families, close relatives, and then the staffers themselves using the vile weapon-of-life-destruction. While we do not condone such acts of vile disregard for robotic life nor do we endorse such events for profit, we do wish all victors well in their future endeavors.

 

We were hoping to bring you more news this week but our staff investigator has been sick with the flu. Hopefully, he will get off of his lazy a... Erm... Will feel better in time for next week's The Weekly Happenstance. That's all for tonight's broadcast of TriNebulon News Presents: The Weekly Happenstance. We thank you for tuning in and we wish you all a happy week!