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24

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Welcome to the Galactic News Service
Piracy and Missing Imperials
Hacked by: Lara Navos, Cantrell Institute of the Arts
Date: Year 23 Day 213 Location Unknown

Ord Cantrell, Fath – The latest news from Ord Cantrell and the galaxy at large comes to you from Wheels-425 and Cheeto-A2, due to Cortex's continued droid rectification works. Under the restraint of the Cantrell Institute of the Arts, the droids transmit intercepted communications protocols from within and external to the Fath Sector to the wider galaxy. Due to the stance of the Imperial Union toward the Cantrell Conglomerate, this message was hacked to the Galactic News feed via several splicing protocols and integrations.

Ugnaught Trauma
Does the pirate want some more Ugnaught?

The situation on Drup has shown that the galaxy has failed the Ugnaughts. It's been widely publicized in the past that Eidola Pirate Squall Chitose has desired and fawned for the touch of an Ugnaught in recent years, a plight that was covered extensively several years ago on this Galactic News System, with Eidola releasing information entitled A Syphilitic Situation on Drup II during the nineteenth recognized galactic year. In short, thanks to his various proclivities, the Ugnaught population of Sevarcos X sought asylum on the Zann Consortium space of Drup to free themselves from the grip of the constantly aroused Squall Chitose. Unfortunately, while Eidola provided safe passage for the aliens to avoid substantial lawsuits and medical expenses, the situation has not improved for many, even after several years of medical care.

Speaking under the promise of anonymity, several medical officials within the Zann Consortium's hospitals on Drup contacted Cantrell Institute of the Arts personnel, seeking journalist assistance to pressure the government into action. One doctor stated - "This is crazy. Some of these aliens have been here for three years and haven't improved. Supervisors instructed us to pump them with basic fluids and placebos and not cure the ailment. Now several of these aliens are entrenched in what can only be described as Syphilitic Insanity, mixed with the trauma of what strange sexual proclivities that pirate put them through."

As publicized in a previous issue of the Cantrell Chronicles, it's no surprise that the Ugnaughts were all infected by patient zero, Squall Chitose, given that the Pirate Queen of Eidola admitted through intercepted transmissions that Squall doesn't shower. While he does get hosed down from time to time, it's clear that this endeavour is insufficient to combat his various infections. It's also evident that the Zann Consortium either has a terrible healthcare system, pathetic immigration policies, or a combination of the two. So while the ordeals of this Ugnaught tribe are far from over, it's now in the hands of the galaxy to aid them in their relocation and resettlement, not to mention adequate healthcare.


I Feel Fine
Don't sweat it, smoke it.

Medical droids and doctors alike have been awestruck by a medical condition previously unseen in the galaxy. Upon receiving her quarterly physical in line with House de Chatillon rules, the black sheep of the family Tanis de Chatillon was diagnosed with what is tentatively being called Green-420. With preliminary findings published within some medical journals circulating the Outer-Rim of known space, the condition appears to eradicate the sweat glands and other humanoid afflictions such as body odour, causing the patient to sweat smoke instead of the traditional liquid sweat.

While medical professionals hadn't identified such a case previously, the affliction to Ms. Chatillon went largely unnoticed due to the woman's widely known habit of indulging in various barbiturates and other unsavoury substances. As Chief Executive Officer of Fath Industries, a subsidiary of the Cantrell Conglomerate and fellow member along with the Cantrell Institute of the Arts, owner of this masthead, she is observed predominately on the planet of Ord Cantrell. Employees have stated she's a fantastic employer and cannot wait for their performance review each quarter, walking into her smoke-filled office before leaving happy and giddy, regardless of their performance. While Ms. Chatillon felt no need to see a doctor before her physical due to being in what she felt was perfect health and seeing nothing wrong due to her frequent usage. Observers have noted she is followed by an extensive smoke trail wherever she goes, usually maintaining the musk of various herbs from the grounds of the Chatillon estate.

Numerous 2-1B and FX-7 Medical Droids have begun investigating the cause and potential treatment options moving forward, with resources within the Institute attempting to source any similarities seen among other sentient races in the past. Ms. Chatillon remains in high spirits, feeling no ill effects from the weird medical phenomenon, with potential rumblings within leadership circles that the smoke trails have radiated throughout Cantrell offices and created a much more relaxed and productive environment. The ailment could instead see possible study into formulating additional means for distribution. A report on the medical findings of this mysterious ailment will be made public throughout the medical fraternity at such a time as they are identified.


Bewilderment and eye-rolls continue to pour across the faces of many as intercepted transmissions from the inner regions of space publish the most outlandish and unsubstantiated claims from the mind of Julie Foley yet. For reasons unidentifiable to droid programming, Ms. Foley has a vendetta against the diminutive Jawas and their tinkering ways. Her rhetoric has escalated so rapidly it has caused Tatooine scanners to begin branding the humanoid as a potential terrorist threat, capable of anything.

Me No Like Jawa
Just a dislike for the small beings, or perhaps masquerading as an arsonist?

These intercepted transmissions have highlighted a woman with a deep hatred for the Jawas, without any actual evidence to support her claims. Not since former Vodo Bonias proclaimed himself as a nice guy has an individual been so public with their lies and fabrications. Such statements have included inaccuracies such as the Jawas executing foreigners that arrive on Tattooine, that the Jawas drove all humanoids off the planet and robbing the Humans of a place to call home, and that all galactic hyperlanes are secretly owned and operated by the Jawas. Given local holofeeds clearly show evidence of humanoids trading and living on the planet, not to mention countless other sentient species, it's unclear why the woman would feel the need to spread such inaccurate rhetoric.

While her words are most likely scare tactics and racist views toward a sentient species, some Jawas banded together to form a small splinter organization, using her messaging to advance dangerous viewpoints. Random posters saying 'Jawas will get everything!' have started appearing on various streets and bazaars, using direct quotes from Foley to advance a sinister agenda. Other groups of Jawas have begun speculating that the Jawa Arsonist that tore through Tattooine recently was either Foley herself seeking to incite panic or a contracted mercenary with the intent of framing the diminutive race. Wheels-425 has transmitted various feeds to local medical droids, all of whom released an opinion that encouraged Foley to consult a doctor for assistance. However, probably not one from the Zann Consortium unless transmitted diseases are sought after. This rhetoric isn't the only time recently Julie Foley has appears on holofeeds across the galaxy. She recently published a negative review across various trade guild channels, advising against using the services of the Pentastar Alignment. Despite illustrating frustrations against the timeliness of the transactions, sentients were quick to oppose her viewpoint, stating that her expectations were grossly unreasonable.


Despite heightened security and the oversight of two Sith Lords, an individual with a crass attitude managed to infiltrate a Galactic Bank Casino and syphon off over five hundred million in credits from the facility, transferring the credits to a small sector within the Unknown Regions before being apprehended swiftly by security forces within the facility. Onlookers were left puzzled after observing an individual with seemingly unfathomable reactions to overcome the various challenges within the gaming areas before it was made clear that false credit chits and hacking tools were implanted into multiple machines.

Bank Heist
The casinos within the Galactic Bank suffer a malfunction.

While little is known about the name or race of the perpetrator, it's apparent that their motives were of a disgruntled former Imperial based on exclusive statements obtained by the Cantrell Conglomerate. Based on this information, the hacker was a known Imperial Resource Allocation Division member who was declared a criminal by the galactic government before seeking retribution by cleaning out the financial accounts of the Galactic Bank, a long-rumoured off-the-books Imperial subsidiary. Upon seeking additional information, droid protocols were transmitted to the Bank to which the following statement was received: "From the office of the Chief Executive Officer. Our security division swiftly apprehended the perpetrator, with all compromised aspects of the network plugged and the affected machines destroyed. We are in the process of recovering lost earnings from the Unknown Regions and have the utmost confidence in our success."

With two Sith Lords helming the banking organization, the sorts of interrogation the perpetrator will soon endure are unmistakable. While the funds are relatively insignificant in volume compared to what remains in the Bank's vaults, the message of security and punishment for those who seek to steal from the organization is what appears to be driving the asset recovery. Based on transmissions from the facility and a substantial criminal network within the Unknown Regions, this droid is confident the Bank will recover the assets and restore consumer confidence in their casino operations.


Concerns have grown for the well-being of Imperial officer Patrick Mueirech after allegations of incompetence came to light recently about his methods of securing Imperial planetary positions on Humbarine. The scandal revolves around Eidola Pirate Carl Warrington being able to bypass Imperial blockades and successfully form a small city operation on the surface, right under the gaze of the apparent Imperial might. Unfortunately, the individual charged with rectification was Thyferran General Patrick S. S. Mueirech, who was woefully unsuccessful in the mechanical eyes of this droid.

After being transmitted security footage from several Imperials in attendance, Warrington maintained a large force of contractors to construct various taverns and offices for piracy operations. The Imperial directive was to arrest the planetary trespassers and fly the Imperial flag within the city walls. Embarrassingly, while the General was able to capture numerous construction workers, inadequate prison facilities and security of prisoners meant that the workers were back onsite within mere hours of their arrest. It's believed that Warrington was seen walking up to Stormtroopers and simply removing the binders in plain view of Imperials, receiving no resistance. It's widely known that the accuracy of a Stormtrooper is woeful due to the poor visibility within the provided helmet, but this ineptitude raises even more significant concerns. After news came to light within Imperial circles of this inadequacy, General Mueirech reportedly attempted to arrest Warrington to salvage his reputation but was unsurprisingly unsuccessful.

Patrick Mueirech
Seen Patrick Mueirech lately?

Some officials within Imperial circles have begun to show concern for the officer, as he has not been seen publicly in some time. While losing a prisoner can occur occasionally, it's considered more than embarrassing when you're supposed to be a General responsible for an entire Imperial Legion, not to mention a previous Director of the Imperial Information Service. Questions have been asked as to whether the officer remains within the Empire, or if the Imperial High Command executed him for the lost ground within an Imperial sanctum. Regardless of the officers' fate, his efforts were shortlisted for academic review within the Imperial Academy as a poor example of how to secure a planet for the Empire.

This concludes our transmissions from and around the Fath Sector. The Cantrell Chronicle will be on hiatus for the foreseeable future. Wheels-425 and Cheeto-A2 out.

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Events in Brief
Year 24 Day 3: Nicroxio Calamari, the leader of Galactic Traders Union was replaced today by Christian Dale.